Chapter One: Kipalee

Kipalee was often trying to make uncomfortable situations more comfortable by making herself laugh. As she stumbled on her way into her new school, she awarded herself a gold metal…for tripping on air.

“And the gold medal for tripping on air goes to…,” a voice in Kipalee’s head said as she tried to straighten up quickly after almost falling, smoothing her faded jeans and blue t-shirt. In her mind, the crowd went wild waiting to see who won the gold medal.

“Kipalee Ann Carrigan! Congratulations Kipalee, who would you like to thank?” Kip laughed quietly as she accepted the award she bestowed on herself for being so clumsy.

Kip had a knack for tripping and often she tripped on nothing. That was the case the morning she first walked up the sidewalk leading to Jackson Middle School. Fortunately, no one seemed to notice and she caught herself before she fell all the way to the ground. This time.

She walked into school, eyes darting from side to side. She was trying so hard to look calm and comfortable but failing miserably. The expression on her round, innocent-looking, sweet face made her look like she was wound tighter than a drum.

Looking around at her new classmates, Kip noticed the fold lines from the store in their new clothes. Tears sprang to her eyes, missing her friends from her old school. “Quit your blubbering Kip, you are not a baby. You are a seventh grader! Grow up girl and own your bad self.”

Beyonce’s song Run the World ran through Kip’s head. Thinking about her favorite songs always comforted Kip. Today though, she couldn’t shake the pit in her stomach. At her old school she was well known and she was comfortable being herself. She knew she was a bit of an odd duck and she was always a little uncomfortable and self-conscious, but so were many of her old classmates. They knew her inside and out, her strengths and her weaknesses, and accepted her just the same.

She was dreading the first time the teacher said her name, fearing the ridicule that would follow. What new variation of her name would they come up with? She probably had heard them all…Pippy, Skip-a-lee, Skippy…ugh, who was named Kipalee anyway? It was so embarrassing that her mom found her name in a romance novel with that long-haired blond guy named Fabio on the cover, the guy who was on nearly every romance novel cover on her mom’s bookshelf. And then moving her to this new school and new town without even asking her opinion? Unforgivable. Her nickname, Kip, was only marginally better. Although she was teased less about her nickname, everyone thought she was a boy when they saw Kip on a class list. Last year she was even assigned to the boys locker room for PE.

Kip found a desk in the back and pulled out her fresh new notebook. Typically she loved new school supplies and the endless possibilities of a new school year made it  one of her favorite times of the year. She tore open her package of multi-color flair pens with a little help from her teeth. Taking out a purple pen, she settled into the hard wooden seat as best as she could and breathed a heavy sigh. This was going to be awful, she just knew it.

More kids piled into the room and Kip looked up through her long brown bangs, her deep blue eyes looking at her classmates apprehensively. Her mom says that her eyes are the color of the deepest part of the ocean and that wearing blue makes them stand out even more. That is why she wore her favorite blue t-shirt today. As she looked around, she noticed a couple other kids who seemed as nervous as she was. “Maybe they need a new friend,” she thought hopefully. Maybe.

She was startled out of her self-pity by an exuberant greeting from her teacher. “Good morning boys and girls! Welcome to seventh grade! This will be an exciting year for all of us. This is just my second year teaching and I am so excited to begin our adventure! My name is Mrs. Holiday and I get to be your teacher this year. Let’s start by getting to know each other with a little game.”

“Wow!” thought Kip. “I have never had a teacher start the first day with a game. Usually we go over the same rules year after year. The rules we already know. The rules that the same kids follow and the same kids break year to year. Maybe Mrs. Holiday will be different. Maybe.”

The light of hope that sparked within Kip when she noticed that she was not the only nervous student in the class just grew to a barely perceptible flame. Kip felt the warmth of her tiny light of hope loosen her up and she wondered if her new school wouldn’t be as horrible as she imagined. Maybe a little less horrible.

Mrs. Holiday explained the directions to the class. They would stand in a circle and pass the ball to each other. The only rules were that they could not pass to someone next to them or to someone who already had a turn. They needed to say the name of the person they were passing the ball to in a loud voice, and they needed to remember who passed them the ball and who they passed the ball to so they could repeat the pattern.

“Here we go,” thought Kipalee, straightening her shoulders and faking a confidence she didn’t quite feel. “Let the teasing begin. Who will be the first sucker to laugh at my name? Bring it, I’ve heard it all before.”

Whack! The ball hit Kip hard in the chest. Before she could catch her breath, she glanced up and saw the sneer of the boy who threw it at her. “Kip-a-lee,” he yelled, emphasizing the syllables of her name. The snickers that followed made Kip want to melt into the worn carpet below her.

Questions for my editors:

  1. Does this first chapter of the book grab your attention? How could I make an even better first impression with readers?
  2. What information do you learn about Kipalee in this chapter? Is it enough to help you begin to understand who she is?
  3. What traits of Kipalee do you like? Are there any you don’t connect with?
  4. Is there any place where I use an ordinary word that could be replaced with a more descriptive word?
  5. Is there any place where I repeat a word too frequently?
  6. Always let me know if you find grammatical errors.

Please put your edits in the comments on this post. I can’t wait to learn from you!

Behind the scenes info:

Kipalee was my mom’s name. My mom passed away in 2012 after a two year battle with ovarian cancer. You can read about my mom’s illness here. I love using her name in this story for the main character. She seriously was assigned to the boys locker room once because they thought that Kip was a boys name. My grandma did find the name Kipalee in a romance novel, but Fabio wasn’t on the cover because he wasn’t born yet. My mom actually grew up in Jackson and moved to Grand Rapids as an adult.

That ball name game that Mrs. Holiday played with the class is one of my favorite name games to play with students and even with adults. You should try it with the speed and extra balls variations. It is so fun!

110 thoughts on “Chapter One: Kipalee”

    1. Hi Emmaline! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this first chapter and give me feedback. I am going to go in and make a change based upon the confusion you had. Please let me know if it makes better sense to you. Thank you for being my editor!
      Love, Mrs. Apsey

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      1. Thank you Rachel! I changed it to italics based on feedback from students. I might have to make some more changes to make it less confusing. I hope you keep reading and giving me feedback!
        Love,
        Mrs. Apsey

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    2. The beginning with “And the gold medal for tripping on air goes to…,” in my opinion, should be closer to the other part of the sentence. I don’t like how there is a whole paragraph between them. Otherwise, everything is great!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. From the students of Room 5-26 in St. Andrews, Manitoba Canada.
    Questions for my editors:
    1. Does this first chapter of the book grab your attention? How could I make an even better first impression with readers? They really want to read it. They could picture things in their head. Very descriptive of Kip’s feelings and a lot of us could relate to this. We get nervous on the first day of school. Like the descriptive words and how we could picture the boy sneering and saying Kip-a Lee
    2. What information do you learn about Kipalee in this chapter? Is it enough to help you begin to understand who she is?
    She is shy. Add a bit more about what Kipalee looks like. She’s clumsy. She gets picked on because people think that she has a boy’s name/she’s a boy. She usually likes the first day, she’s nervous; she just moved. She is embarrassed by her name.
    3. What traits of Kipalee do you like? Are there any you don’t connect with?
    Reminds some students of themselves (clumsy, nervous, shy, some bullying). Thinking about how she gains a bit of confidence.
    Don’t connect: negative, thinking the worst of the people around her;
    4. Is there any place where I use an ordinary word that could be replaced with a more descriptive word?
    Brown hair, blue eyes (maybe shiny brown hair, icy blue eyes…) also what she is wearing;
    5. Is there any place where I repeat a word too frequently? repeated word teased

    We can’t wait for the next chapter. WE ARE HOOKED. The students are calling who is going to read your book first.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hello students of Room 5-26 in St. Andrews, Manitoba, Canada!

      I am SO excited to get your feedback! You guys are awesome!

      I love the suggestions you have. I am going to go back into the chapter to give more description to Kipalee’s physical characteristics and clothing. I am also going to look at how many times I used the word teased and then I will use the thesaurus to help me come up with an alternate word.

      I am so excited to have incredibly detailed and thoughtful editors like YOU to help this book be even better. Thank you so much!

      Love, Mrs. Apsey

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      1. Look at the first paragraph and the paragraph that says, “More kids piled into the room…”. I made a few changes there based upon your feedback. Please let me know what you think. Thank you again!

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  2. Comments from a 4th grade class at an international school in Tokyo, Japan

    1. Yes! We like how the chapter ended wondering what is going to happen next. “ I liked how the author kept saying the ‘maybe’ line.” “I want to know more about what Kipalee looks like.”

    2. We learned that “She’s clumsy.” “She’s nervous about the new school.” “She misses her friends in her old school.” “She’s shy.” “She thinks school is boring.” “She likes fresh new school supplies.” We are wondering if she has a father.

    3. We like that “She’s clumsy” “She’s new to a school.” “She doesn’t seem like she gets angry too easily. Like when her name was in the boys’ locker room” “Clumsy like me.” “She seems calm even though she’s nervous”

    There were quite a few giggles during the first chapter when she tripped over nothing. There was also a lot of connection with the moving to a new school. We can’t wait to read the next chapter!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so excited to get feedback all the way from Japan! Thank you so much! You picked out an area for improvement that other editors picked out too–great eye for detail. I appreciate that you would like more information about how Kipalee looks. What specific questions do you have about her appearance? Thank you so much for sharing all the connections you made! You are awesome! I can’t wait to have you help me improve the rest of the book!
      Love, Mrs. Apsey

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      1. Thank you so much for responding! Some ideas that we’d like to see are what culture might she be from, if she is from a rich or poor family, is she girly or tomboy like, and what sort of clothing does she wear. We know you wouldn’t really add these details if they don’t matter, but we’d like to make a little more of a picture in our minds. Thank you so much!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hello my friends in Japan! I added some more details about Kip and would love to know if they help you get a better picture of who she is. I do have a chapter coming up that tells more about her family. I am just about to post chapter two and I would love your feedback on that chapter! Thank you so much for being my editors!

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  3. Hello from a group of fourth grade students in Wisconsin!

    We’re writing realistic fiction stories right now and this is great for my class!!

    We’d love to see your story map, or the process you take for planning your story.

    Things We Liked:
    That you included a game we actually play and we could connect with the character because of that and included a popular song now
    “You left me on a hook, I want to read more.”
    You used the word maybe a lot. It makes us think about what could happen. This was great
    “I liked the word choice of melt into the worn carpet.”

    95% of the classroom believed that it grabbed your attention

    Most kids confused by the first two paragraphs. They didn’t understand that it was internal dialogue. Maybe take out The announcer said and add she thought or in her head to help us understand.

    Maybe put thoughts in italics

    The kids liked the beginning because it starts with something funny.

    We’re looking forward to next week’s chapter. Thanks for sharing this experience with us!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello fourth graders from Wisconsin!
      Thank you so much for your terrific feedback! I really appreciate how specific your feedback was for both the things you liked and the areas for improvement. I am going to work on the first two paragraphs to make them less confusing. That is the second time I got feedback about it being confusing. Please let me know if the changes I make help.

      Great question about my writing process. I write both fiction and nonfiction. My first book is called The Path to Serendipity (you could look it up on Amazon) and that is a nonfiction self-help book for adults, although it is appropriate for kids too. I have a children’s picture book called The Princes of Serendip coming out this November, and another nonfiction self-help book for adults called Through the Lens of Serendipity that will be coming out sometime this spring. Can you see that I absolutely love the idea of serendipity?

      For my nonfiction books, I have specific goals for the book and then I break them down to each chapter. For my fiction books, I first develop the storyline. I know what is going to happen in The Serendipity Journal all the way through the end, but I will change some details as I go. I have an outline of the chapters and I have written six chapters so far. I include important social emotional learning in my fiction books so I also outline the goals for the social emotional learning as I outline the story.

      After I write the chapters, I edit and edit and edit them. And then I get feedback from amazing editors like you and I edit them some more. Editing is a writer’s best friend because it allows me to write my heart out knowing that I will fix it up later.

      I hope this helps as you write your own realistic fiction stories. I would love to read some of them!

      Thank you again!
      Love, Mrs. Apsey

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  4. I think it helps to tell readers that they are talking/thinking to themselves by putting those words in italics. Otherwise it was really good. I could really tell that Kipalee is a girl who doesn’t like her new school and wants to go back.

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    1. Thank you so much Jordynn for reading and giving me feedback! I appreciate your suggestion to help readers. I put Kipalee’s thoughts in italics, let me know if you think it helps! I am just about to post the second chapter, would love your feedback on that chapter too.

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  5. The 6th grade students at Meadowview Magnet Middle School loved the first chapter and are so excited for more! They actually mentioned the same thoughts as Jordynn about placing Kip’s thoughts in italics. They’ll be glad to see that’s done! One student, Gwendyline, pointed out that she really liked the use of the simile “as tight as a drum”. They are looking forward to learning more about Kip and are hoping to have more backstory on Kipalee and why she’s at a new school (is it a transition to middle school, or due to a family move?). Kayla says she “cannot wait to read more”!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello 6th Graders of Meadowview Magnet Middle School,
      Thank you so much for your feedback! I appreciate both the constructive advice and the compliments! I cannot wait to hear what you think about Chapter Two!
      Thank you for being amazing, and I have to tell you that your teacher is pretty remarkable! You guys are lucky, as I am sure she is too!
      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

      Liked by 1 person

  6. The students from 4K and 4F from Coomera Rivers State School are very excited about this opportunity. They think it is pretty cool they get to pre-read a book before it is published, and love the idea that they are helping to edit a real book written by a real author.

    Most of the students thought the first chapter grabbed their attention. They began to get a picture of Kipalee in their minds – she was clumsy, she was teased because she had an unusual name and she was worried about starting a new school. They also thought she was brave because even though she thought it was going to be awful, she pretended she was confident on the first day at her new school. Listening to the Beyonce song shows she believes in herself.

    Everyone is eager to read more about Kipalee. I think this will be a valuable experience for them to learn how to think about texts and fully understand them. This text is a bit of a challenge for most of these students, so I’m looking forward to seeing how they grow through this process.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello students from 4K and 4F from Coomera Rivers State School! I am so honored to have your feedback! I am so pleased that you are enjoying the story and looking forward to reading more. I was talking with fourth and fifth grade students at Quincy Elementary where I am the principal and they love that there is a chapter revealed each week like a TV show. I am excited to get more of your feedback and to learn about what words and concepts you find challenging.
      Thank you again! You guys are the best!
      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

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  7. Hello from Marysville, Michigan! We are fourth graders in Mrs. Rubin’s class at Gardens Elementary School. We are very excited about this opportunity to work with a published author!! We are looking forward to reading the next chapters.

    1. Does this first chapter of the book grab your attention? How could I make an even better first impression with readers?
    Yes, the first chapter really grabbed my attention. We like the beginning sentence and how you started with dialogue-it hooked us, and made us want to keep reading. Some of us didn’t read carefully, and thought at first it was a competition. It was fun to read on and see what really took place. We also learned a lot about Kipalee and the thoughts in her head while reading the first chapter through your descriptions.

    2. What information do you learn about Kipalee in this chapter? Is it enough to help you begin to understand who she is?
    We learned that Kipalee is a clumsy, seventh grader at a new school. She is very nervous about her new school. She misses her old friends, and she is worried about not making any new friends. Her name is different, so she is expecting that she will be made fun of. She cares a lot about what other people think of her, which makes us believe she is self-conscious.

    The chapter does a great job of describing Kipalee’s character.

    3. What traits of Kipalee do you like? Are there any you don’t connect with?
    In our class, many of us are able to relate to Kipalee. Most of us have a story about being clumsy and lacking confidence. We also have some students who have been new to a school, and they have had similar fears that Kipalee faced. Her fears about her name are similar to students who also have different names or who have names that came from books.

    Because we are fourth graders, we cannot connect to Kipalee as a
    seventh grader. We realize life as a seventh grader is different than a
    fourth grader.

    4. Is there any place where I repeat a word too frequently?
    You repeated the word, maybe, a lot. However, we liked how you used repetition as a way to catch the reader’s attention.

    5. Always let me know if you find grammatical errors.
    None.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Mrs. Rubin’s Class,
      Thank you so much for taking the time to read the first chapter of The Serendipity Journal and for giving me feedback! You have great insights, it is hard to believe that you are fourth graders! I cannot wait to hear your feedback as you read the other chapters.
      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Ellie!
      Kip’s family moved because her dad got a new job. I think that is revealed in the second chapter. Let me know what you think after you get to that part.
      I love how you are asking questions about the characters as you read!
      Mrs. Apsey

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    1. Hi Adam,
      Thank you for reading and thank you for the question! Could you tell that Kip was making fun of herself about the gold medal? Could you go back and reread to see if that makes sense to you? If not, let me know and I will try to make it more clear.
      You are awesome!
      Mrs. Apsey

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  8. In my class, we are reading a book called “Night of the Spadefoot Toads” and it relates to the first few chapters about a boy named Ben who just moved to a new school from Tuscan, Arizona. I am sorry about what happened to your mother. I think this book will be an emotional type. I love how you describe Kipalee’s feelings. I think the book will be great!😆 I also love to write too and can go on for hours. In fourth grade, I looked forward to writing everyday. I hope you have tons of fun writing the new book and hope that it is as good as the first chapter. Can’t wait to read chap.2! Good luck!!!👍🏻

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sam,
      I am so excited that a fellow writer is reading my book and giving me feedback! I can tell that you are a terrific writer. Thank you for sharing your connections to the story, and thank you for your condolences about my mom. You are a special person Sam and I love how your voice really comes out in your writing. You could publish books someday!
      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

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  9. I love the story! We know Kipalee is clumsy, she likes new school supplies and is nervous about a new school and town but I want to know more about herself, her family and what she looks like but not too much because it’s is only the first chapter. I love it so far and I am hooked! I want to read more. Thank you! Love, Finley

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Finley,
      Thank you so much for your feedback! I am hopeful that you will like the rest of the book just as much and that I provide enough details about Kip, her family, and her life. Right now Chapter Six is all about her family, but that might change as I continue to revise and write. But, there will be more details about her family for sure. Can’t wait to get more feedback from you!
      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

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  10. Greeting from the American School Foundation of Monterrey in Monterrey, Mexico. We started reading Ch 1 of The Serendipity Journal in our Read Aloud time. My 4th graders have enjoyed the opportunity to be editors and have felt connected with Kipalee in many ways. This first chapter has also sparked very meaningful conversations based on their connections. Below, several comments of 2 of your questions. We hope they help 🙂

    Does this first chapter of the book grab your attention? How could I make an even better first impression with readers?
    – You could make it better by putting the name of the kid who told Kip-a-lee and also the reaction of the class when he said it.
    – At the beginning her thoughts about the prize to… goes to…. Were confusing. It was hard to realize it was not a real competition.
    – I like that you added many details like when she was saying she is very clumsy by the way it started with her thoughts.
    – I liked how you keep on adding Kiaplee thoughts to herself. It is interesting to know what the character is thinking instead of having the author narrate her thoughts.
    – I liked how you started the chapter because it made me want to keep on reading and made me curious about what will happen.

    What information do you learn about Kipalee in this chapter? Is it enough to help you begin to understand who she is? What traits of Kipalee do you like? Are there any you don’t connect with?
    – It’s enough information and I learned that she likes to talk to herself
    – It’s enough information and I think she thinks bad about herself, thinks she is clumsy and that everyone will laugh about her name.
    – It wasn’t clear for me if she was being positive or not when they were throwing the ball to her because she said “come on, bring it on…”
    – Her sense of humor sometimes is difficult to understand.
    – She has low self confidence – she’s always thinking about negative stuff
    – I am confused because nobody knew their names, so nobody know their names so how do they know her name is Kipalee?
    – I connect with being nervous on the first day of school and being clumsy. I have felt nervous on my first day of school
    – I connect with the fact that she didn’t want to go to the other school because other people would make fun of her name because I put myself in her shoes.
    – I connect with Kip because I also have self thoughts.

    Can’t wait to read more of it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Students of the American School Foundation!
      Thank you so much for reading chapter one of The Serendipity Journal and for providing your feedback. I especially appreciate learning about the things you connected with and the things that are confusing to you! I will use your feedback as I continue to edit these chapters. I cannot wait to get more of your feedback.
      Thank you!
      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

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  11. From Mrs. Appel’s class in West Richland, WA

    Does this first chapter of the book grab your attention? How could I make an even better first impression with readers? The first chapter was amazing, it was very descriptive and caught our attention, we don’t want to stop reading. The only suggestion we had was to add some more information about the school, maybe a description of the building, etc. We would also love to know more about the boy introduced in the 1st chapter, who is he, why is he mean…

    What information do you learn about Kipalee in this chapter? Is it enough to help you begin to understand who she is? We learned that she is very clumsy and is in middle school. She has trouble meeting new people and with friends. We understood a little bit about her and who she was, we would love to know more about her physical appearance.

    What traits of Kipalee do you like? Are there any you don’t connect with?
    We liked that she was clumsy and having a hard time in school. We know that middle school is a difficult time of life.

    Is there any place where I use an ordinary word that could be replaced with a more descriptive word? We couldn’t find any mistakes and your word choice was really good, we did think there were a few spots that you used she and her a lot and maybe need to say Kipalee’s name again.

    Thank you for letting us read the chapter, we are looking forward to the next Chapter!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Mrs. Appel’s Class,

      Thank you so much for your feedback! I will use it as I continue to improve this chapter. I appreciate the comment about using she and her a lot. It can be a bit tricky to not say Kipalee’s name over and over but to make sure that the pronouns are not too frequent or confusing either. I have gotten other feedback about including more details about Kip’s appearance. I added some in based on the feedback but maybe I need to add even more. As you read the upcoming chapters, please let me know if I am being descriptive enough to help readers develop a clear picture of the characters in their minds.

      You are terrific editors and I look forward to learning more from you!

      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

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  12. This is Aidan Zipperer of forest hills middle school in Grand Rapids. I think it would sound better if in the 14th paragraph if you wrote; Bring it on I’ve heard it all before.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Matteo,
      I am so excited that you are reading The Serendipity Journal! Great questions, I think you will find the answers to your questions as you continue reading. I hope you enjoy the book!
      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

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  13. Good morning,
    Thank you for this awesome opportunity for my students at Northern Hills Middle School! My 7th grade Ch ELA students will be reading and commenting each Monday; love the authentic audience and real life application! Do you prefer they comment individually or as an entire class?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Dawn,
      I am SO excited to be getting this feedback from your students!! They are commenting individually and that works just fine. I really hope they enjoy the book!!
      Love,
      Allyson Apsey

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  14. Hi, I would just like to point out some things that I noticed while reading it. Now, I’m just some middle school student wasting time in English class, so to you and to my teacher, take this with a grain of salt.

    1. Having the character have a unique name really helps her stand out.
    2. I get that she’s talking to herself, but why is she excited to get 1st place for tripping on air(my favorite Olympic sport)?
    3. Because I need a third one, why didn’t Kipalee go over to the lonely kids?
    Thanks for doing your work, it’s amazing, hope to hear from you soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Langston,
      I am so glad you are reading my book! You have insightful comments. I can tell you are a careful reader. And, you are pretty funny! I look forward to getting more feedback from you.
      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

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  15. Hi! I’m a seventh grader in Grand Rapids, Michigan!
    I like your first chapter, it really grabs my attention and makes Kipalee very easy to relate to.
    The only thing is when Kipalee gives herself an award for tripping on air. I had to read that paragraph a few times to understand what you meant.
    Can’t wait to read the rest of the book!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Julia,
      Thank you so much for reading and for the feedback. I am going to have to look at that section again. I made some changes based upon feedback I got from other students but it sounds like it is still confusing. Thank you for letting me know.
      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

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  16. Hi, I am a seventh grader from northern hills middle school in Grand Rapids,Michigan.
    I really liked your first chapter very much.Good job!! Have a nice day.!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Dear Mrs. Apsey

    This is a great first chapter! And I love the origin behind the name kipalee, but at the beginning, I would like that Kipalee tripping and in her head she earned a gold medal a bit more clear, because it is a tad confusing, Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Dear Mrs. Apsey,
    I am a student at Northern Hills Middle School in Grand Rapids, MI. Like some of the other readers, I was a bit confused on the first couple of paragraphs where Kipalee trips on air…I was also confused about who Fabio is. I like how you put Kipalee’s thoughts in italics; it helps me understand that those are Kipalee’s thoughts.
    Good luck on your book, I can’t wait to read the rest!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Tess,
      Thank you so much for your feedback and for sharing your confusion about a couple parts in the book. I really appreciate knowing that because I am writing the book for YOU!
      Keep reading!
      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

      Like

  19. Dear Mrs. Apsey,
    I love the fact that you really enjoy getting feedback and always looking for ways to improve your work! i like that you gave so much detail to Kipalee. In order to really make your character come to life you have to give an eccesive amount of detail, and that’s exactly what you did. Keep up the great work, i can not wait for more chapters!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Ev,
      Thank you so much for your feedback! I am learning so much about middle grades readers and one of the things I am learning is the amount of detail students like to have included. It is very valuable feedback for sure!

      I am so excited that you are reading and giving feedback!

      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

      Like

  20. Dear Mrs. Apsey,
    I am a student at Northern Hills Middle School in Grand Rapids, Michigan. I was confused about the tripping on air part like other readers. I really like Kipalee’s character and I can’t wait to read more!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. 1. Does the first chapter of the book grab your attention?
    For me, no. If I picked up this book in a library and read the first chapter, I don’t think that I would check it out. The chapter seems a bit bland, and I couldn’t find any characteristics about Kipalee except that she’s clumsy, odd, and shy. Perhaps you could be a bit more descriptive with her personality.

    Like

    1. Hello Anna and Violet,
      Thank you for your feedback. I will be curious to see if the other chapters grab your attention and keep you interested. Thank you for the suggestion about being more descriptive with her personality.
      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

      Like

    1. Hi Rachel and Lakshita,
      Thank you for your feedback! You are very observant, that is exactly why I am using songs. It is a fun way to learn more about how Kip is feeling. Keep reading!
      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

      Like

  22. Dear Mrs. Apsey,
    I am a student at Northern Hills Middle School and after reading this first chapter you’ve got me hooked on this story! I can’t wait to read more of your chapters, the only thing that I noticed was that I was confused in the beginning about how she tripped. Anyways, nice job on this chapter!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Ervin,
      I am so glad that you are enjoying the story!! I have been working on that beginning and I know that I need to do more work. I will take your feedback into consideration and make it more clear. Thank you for your feedback!
      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

      Like

  23. Greetings from Natalie,
    I really liked the first chapter, but I have a few opinions about the first sentences or so. When she said “the gold medal goes to” I thought she was in a sport and tripped or competing. Could you maybe make it more obvious that she walking to the school. Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Natalie,
      Thank you for the feedback. I have edited those first few lines over and over based upon the feedback I have been getting from students. I like starting the book in that fun way, but I don’t want it to be confusing. I will keep working on it. I appreciate your insight!
      Thank you!
      Love,
      Mrs. Apsey

      Like

  24. Maybe the introduction could be a little more catchy

    “Kipalee was often trying to make uncomfortable situations more comfortable by making herself laugh. As she stumbled on her way into her new school, she awarded herself a gold metal…for tripping on air.”

    You could add like some sound effects of her tripping and then moving on to your sentence.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. from Mrs. Rubin by Ty, On the world Measurable you forgot to make the letter M in bold like the rest of the letters in the world SAMIC but I think the chapter is vary good and I can not wait for the next chapter.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Does this first chapter of the book grab your attention? How could I make an even better first impression with readers?…… I found it really interesting. It gets better and better. But maybe at the beginning you could add a few more details for the first day of school!!!!! Can’t wait to keep on reading!

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Hi!
    I think the first chapter is really great it kept me reading and wanting to read more. Another thing I really liked is Kip’s character because it was great how she new how to make herself feel confident a small detail I noticed is that you don’t get to truly know if Kip was really living the stories or if she was just imaging it
    I see forward for chapter 2
    Really liked
    -Ana Pao

    Liked by 1 person

  28. I agree with Johanna,the introduction should be more catchy over the first day of school.I live in Monterrey and I am on the same school as Johanna and Ana we all are enjoying your book very much. Have a wonderful christmas break!

    Liked by 1 person

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